Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
