mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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