Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
