It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
