now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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