The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
