video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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