I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
