Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
