How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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