Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
