I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
