went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
