does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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