Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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