it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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