not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Pants are for mortals
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