I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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