$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
