I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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