Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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