i dedicated my morning wood to you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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