If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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