if you like me you must not know who I am
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
