had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
