You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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