it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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