Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
