some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're making bets on your personal life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
