Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
