Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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