im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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