I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
