Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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