i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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