so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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