Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
