I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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