I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
