My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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