Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
