I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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