I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
