dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
