I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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