I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
