Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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