I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
