Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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