I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You are the jesus of drinking
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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