So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
