just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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